Chronicles of the Single Man: Episode 3, The Confused Female

You didn’t want to just buy me a round of drinks for no reason? You don’t buy drinks for all your other friends?

For the life of me, I just don’t understand certain things women do.

I can’t figure out how you put so much time into what you wear, how you purposely wear shit you know not many people will notice and yet is still incredibly uncomfortable, what you do on weekends when I’m playing sports, or how you don’t feel slovenly walking around all day in YPs (that’s yoga pants, or as I like to call them, Why Pants?).

But above all, one of the things that confuses me most about women is how little understanding they seem to have of the male intent. Let’s try to make this as simple as we can: if a man you don’t know is talking to you for any serious length of time (outside of work or forced interaction, i.e. the DMV), there’s a high likelihood he’s interested in (having sex with) you. And if that guy asks you out for drinks after not having spoken since high school? Well, then we have Episode 3.

Let’s do this a fun way.  Instead of describing what happened, why don’t I just paste in exactly how it went down and you can draw your own conclusions.  Before we get to exact messages, here are the facts:

  1. This is a girl I went to high school with.
  2. This is a girl I wasn’t friends with during high school.
  3. This is a girl I happened to come across on Facebook and immediately thought, “Wow, she is far more attractive than I remember her, I should message her. What do I have to lose?”
  4. I did message her.

This was that message:

I was talking with some friends from high school a few days ago, and your name came up. I see you live in town, I just moved here a few months ago and I’m really loving it so far. Hope everything is well with you, if you’d like to get together some time for drinks, let me know.

This was her response:

Hi Scott! Glad to hear you are enjoying it so far! It really is a fun town! Are you working in the city? Yeah we should get together- my number is…

Come on, you didn’t really think I was going to give the number out, did you? This may come off like a jilted nerd venting his frustrations on the internet (which in a way, I guess it is), but I harbor no ill will and didn’t at the time. More confusion than anything.

So anyway, if I simply presented those facts in a court of law, it would stand to reason that any well-thinking jury would conclude this girl was interested in me and wanted to at least give it a shot. There’s absolutely no evidence to suggest I wanted to catch up or relive old high school memories as there was nothing to catch up on and we had no memories.  I remind you, dear reader, we weren’t friends.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that by simply agreeing to get a drink with a man, a woman has committed herself to having some sort of sexual interaction with that man. All I’m saying is, if you agree to that coffee/drink/meal, you had better at least give it some consideration. Everything from there is a toss up, which is part of the (albeit, limited) fun of dating.  By the way, is there a greater catch-all excuse for women than “I just didn’t think there was a spark?” It’s easily the nicest way I can think of to say “You’re too fat for me”, “You don’t make enough money”, “I find your odor repulsive” or any number of other things most people are too afraid to say.

So, she and I arrive at the bar I picked for a few drinks. Things progressed fine though it became apparent as the night went on that we had very little to say to each other. The fact that we went to the same high school had almost become a weird coincidence because that was about all we could say we knew about one another.

At the end of the date, I offered to walk her the few blocks back to her apartment. She politely declined and so in our good-bye embrace, I kissed her. (On the lips, son!) In retrospect, that may not have been the best decision. Had there been a play-by-play of the entire night like it was a football game, the analyst would have (at several points) used the telestrater to point out situations where she blatantly was avoiding physical contact with me at the table. You see here, John, that right there. She could’ve easily bumped knees with Scott, but instead she chose to recoil when he attempted to play push her on the shoulder. Not looking good here.

Either way, she pulled back from the kiss not because she wasn’t attracted to me (which, she wasn’t) but because she didn’t think “that’s what this was”. I didn’t know what to say to that. To me, it was so apparent as to exactly what this was I was left speechless. So, I like a moron I forged ahead, inviting her to a Yankee game I had tickets to later that week.

To her credit, she didn’t lead me on. She (likely lied when she) said she didn’t know her schedule and that she’d let me know. Ultimately, she’d say she couldn’t go and we’d never see each other again (aside from an awkward run-in near the park where I waved at her frantically to make her feel uncomfortable). All of that, I’m fine with.

What is confusing is the lack of understanding of social situations. If she was a video game character, this girl’s (or any girl’s) awareness rating would have to be on the bottom of the scale.

The lesson here: if a guy you haven’t spoken to in years (or, ever) wants to get drinks with you, he’s probably set with enough friends.

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