We’re Getting Closer…

Since I was a kid, I’ve dreamed about the future. Not in a what-job-will-I-have, I-hope-my-wife-is-hot-type way. No, in a when-will-I-get-to-drive-flying-cars type way. Ask any man in his mid to late 20s what thing he’d want most in this world and he’ll say (if he’s not a loser or a liar) “a hoverboard”.

That, my friends, is the future I’ve been looking forward to.

Just last week, I received some great news: that future is here.

Acting on a tip (read: I clicked on a link in a friend’s Gmail status), I stumbled upon the portal to the future. It’s called Glass and it’s fucking crazy. For a sampling of the sort of things you can do, check out this brief video provided by Google.

You see? That’s what I’m talking about. I want to be able to congratulate my mom on how well she hydrates a pizza. I want to be able to shout at morons who have no idea that hoverboards don’t work on water and to not use my hands to lace up my sneakers. I want a closet filled with self-drying vests and for this guy’s fashion to come into style.

Apparently, the folks at Google are of similar mind.

From what I’ve gathered, it appears as if there’s going to be a contest to beta-test these glasses and then some form of the product will be available to normal humanoids in 2014. A word, before we go on, about that “contest”. In quite possibly the most arrogant “contest” ever, you have to be chosen (after submitting what needs to be deemed as a worthwhile, clever usage for Glass) by Google and then you’re given the right to spend $1500 and pick them up in one of only three places country-wide. Seems ridiculous, but I suppose if it’s the key to moving us more towards Back to the Future, I can deal.

Full disclosure time: I don’t even have a smartphone. So, as you could rightly imagine, seeing a pair of futuristic glasses where you can do basically everything other than dry clean your clothes blew my mind.

I don’t want one (at all, really), but I now know how it feels to be a parent. I want to call up Google and simply say, “Congratulations, you’ve done it. I don’t know what it is, exactly, but this is it.”

When they ask me, of course, why I don’t want to purchase one, I’ll simply respond, “I have no need for a device that syncs everything I own and makes everything easier and hands-free. No, I’m holding out for a truly useful device. The hoverboard. Glass me when you’ve got that finished.”

For years people mocked movies like Back to the Future and Minority Report and their false replications of futuristic life. Well, haters, I’m here to say that it looks we’re not that far off. First the Google Glass, then the hoverboard, maybe a box that keeps all your food cold, or another one that heats them all up.

I can’t wait to see what’s next.