#2 – If You Seek Amy-ing

salt-n-pepper-1987
We’re talking about it, OK?

It’s pretty much the one thing we can all agree we’ve either done or spent time thinking about doing.

It’s why you dress a certain way, why you work a certain job, why you drive a certain car.

It’s what gives life and gives life meaning.

It’s one of the few things in this world where the enjoyment of it is only equaled, and in many ways outdone by, its pursuit.

It’s fueled the creation of movies, television shows and music for decades. Centuries, in the case of music.

It can last as long or as short as you like.

It’s spawned an industry all its own.

It’s something a lot of us talk about in generalities, but very few of us (for good reason) talk about specifically.

It really only requires two people, but can handle as many your imagination can dream.

It’s possibly the only thing we like doing that we never want to imagine anyone we know doing.

It sells magazines.

It literally changes the chemistry of your brain and is good for you.

It can somehow make you feel incredible and horrific, all in the same way.

It fundamentally alters relationships between the people involved and is generally irreversible in that sense.

It brings people together, makes them closer physically, emotionally and spiritually.

It’s being done all over the world, all the time.

It’s pretty damn great.

It’s the second best feeling.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: When someone sees you.

#3 – Being Right

maxresdefault2My grandmother used to say to me, “Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?”

Invariably, I’d answer: “Both.”

She passed away in 2012 but knowing her as well as I did I’m still consistently stunned when I think back to her saying that to me… because she enjoyed being right more than just about anyone I knew.

Now, of course, there’s varying degrees of how good it feels to be right. There’s the quiet, keep-it-to-yourself type of being right where it warms the cockles of your heart but you don’t say much. Then there’s the type where no one really was arguing with you but it’s still nice to be the authority, to be correct when it comes to some/anything. But lastly, and most importantly, there’s the sort of being right when someone actively, vociferously and/or repeatedly doubts you in public and YOU’RE STILL FUCKING RIGHT.

This could be as simple as remembering where Chris Kaman went to college… it’s Central Michigan… or as impossibly complicated as being proven right that your mom never, in fact, liked boxing despite your dad’s claims to the contrary (even though this literally, by laws of physics, space and time, cannot be proven one way or the other, I look forward to the white light at the end of the tunnel to settle this with my family once and for all).

Before we go further, and admittedly there’s not much left to go, I think this is as appropriate a time as any to posit this question: why do sports fans remember where guys went to college? This seems to be an oddly specific thing that only happens to us. Fans of movie stars don’t tend to know where they grew up. Politicos don’t know everyone in government’s alma mater. If brain space was like a hard drive, I’d venture that about 20-40% of mine is filled up with shit like Chris Kaman and Central Michigan or Aaron Judge and Fresno State or Chris Johnson and Eastern Carolina. I’d like to wipe that slate clear and even if I could replace it with nothing, I think my whole OS would run smoother.

Anyway, this feeling is obviously similar to number four with one major difference: when you’re doing better than someone, you know deep down that you aren’t necessarily better than that person. But, there’s very little ambiguity about being right.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: Acting like a confident, pompous douche about something you KNOW… and then it turns out you’re either mistaken or, worse yet, been wrong about forever and no one’s told you. When I was younger I used to think “irregardless” was a word and that the phrase was “for all intensive purposes.” Imagine as an adult, if I still thought that, confidently argued that’s how it was and found out I was wrong.

You know why that never happened? My mom checked me on it when I was a kid and set my ass straight. Why? Because she also liked being right.

 

#4 – Doing Better Than Someone Else

newman1Let’s not lie to one another… this feels absolutely fantastic.

Don’t you sit there on your high horse and judge me, pretending you don’t have that person in your life you enjoy doing better than.

Perhaps it’s your brother or sister. Maybe one of your parents. How about an ex? Or maybe just that kid that’s been better than you at everything your whole life.

Everyone has their Lex Luthor. Their Newman. This person is that for you.

The thing about this feeling is that it’s not exactly socially acceptable to admit it. We’ve all been raised, to varying degrees, to believe altruisms like “The best revenge is living well” or “It’s not about being better than someone else, it’s about being better than you were yesterday.”

Here’s the real truth: believing either of those things and also wanting to do better than someone you can’t stand aren’t mutually exclusive feelings.

Sure, I’d like to think I’ve matured as a person and continue to grow as an individual every day… but that doesn’t mean I don’t like sticking it to someone, if only in my mind, when I’m doing better than they are.

Here’s a few things that could happen to you that make you feel like you’re doing better than someone.

  • You get a raise and they don’t.
  • You get a raise that’s better than the raise they got.
  • You are happily dating someone and they are still on Hinge.
  • You are living a great single life and they are in a miserable relationship.
  • Your favorite sports team just whooped their team’s ass.
  • You are in far better shape than they are.
  • You have a better game than they do in (any sport).
  • You look better than they do at a wedding or similar event where people are dressed nicely.

I could go on and on here, but I’ll stop for the sake of time constraints because I think you get the point, no?

Imagine that person you can’t stand and then imagine any of those things happening. If you’re sitting there reading this saying that wouldn’t make you happy either one of two things is true:

  1. You should be put up for beatification by the pope.
  2. You are full of fucking shit.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: You think you’ve finally beaten your nemesis at something, you’re convinced of it, and you discover you are oh-so-wrong. It’s like getting to the finish line of a long race only to discover everyone is already done. You lose, you get nothing.

#5 – Outkicking Your Coverage

billyjoelBefore we get started, we’re all on the same page about what this means, right?

According to UrbanDictionary, a reputable source for things like this, here’s the defintion:

To engage in a romantic relationship with a person who is much better looking, and/or smarter, and/or in a higher socioeconomic class than you. Essentially, a person who is widely considered to be ‘out of your league.’

So, basically every single guy on Earth, right?

I’m not saying that in some sort of bullshit, “the future is female” and all women are amazing type way. A lot of women are amazing. Some men are too. But not all in either group.

The fact seems to remain that there are a ton of men you run into that you look at and go, “Jesus, what is she doing?”

Just off the top of my head, I can think of anywhere from 7 to 250 men I know… literally, just dudes I actually know… that are dating or have dated or are married to women they have absolutely no fucking business being with. Whether that’s because she’s better looking or a better person or more interesting or more fun to be around… or all of those things and more, there’s a ton of guys where you honestly can’t help but wonder what the fuck happened to this poor woman.

Does he have her family tied up to a train track somewhere? Perhaps he’s an evil wizard or magician of some sort that’s cast a spell?

No one will ever quite know for sure.

But, if you do happen to find yourself among the lucky dudes with a woman that you clearly don’t deserve on many or all levels, don’t dwell on it too long.

You don’t want her to get hip to the idea she could (and should) do better.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: Thinking you’re the one she’s lucky to have when it’s really the opposite. And now you have no hand.

#6 – Making the Funniest Person in Your Group of Friends Laugh

51-npyorbel-_sx355_The funniest person in my group of friends, at least from college but still likely all included, is a man named Alastair Ingram.

He works and lives in Vermont, is married and has a dog.

None of those facts are humorous.

In fact, in many ways, he isn’t humorous. He’s the kind of funny you can’t quite explain but know is real. The sort of guy that’s always quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. But, you can also tell there’s some place he’d rather be.

Seriously though, Bill Joel lyrics aside, the dude is hilarious. Can’t quite explain it all the time, but it’s undeniable: he makes me laugh consistently harder than just about anyone else I’ve ever met.

I say this because we all have a friend like him in one group or another. And if you’re anything like me, the only thing more fun than laughing at the stuff he says is saying something that actually elicits the same reaction out of him.

Now, to be clear, it’s not as if he (or any other version of this friend in your group) is necessarily difficult to make laugh. It’s not as if they’re the type to withhold laughter or that they have some impossibly hard-to-reach sense of humor. Sometimes that’s the case, but not always.

Frankly, it doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you’ve somehow gotten this person, the one who can make your whole group of friends stop what they’re doing and laugh uncontrollably, to do the same for something you’ve just said.

Take a bow.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: This doesn’t specifically relate to this, nor is it a polar opposite but it’s close enough so here it goes: that moment when you take the joke the step too far and it’s no longer funny. It’s been batted around for a bit, everyone’s had a good turn of it and you get your chance and you kill it. Not with something offensive… just something that isn’t fucking funny. Joke, over.

 

#7 – That First Bite of Something You Love

51mvmkfp4gl-_sy445_Obviously, I like food.

I’ve already talked about the joy I get from planning my meals and eating sandwiches and apples (and even specifically the act of buying good apples). We’ve talked about bag fries and junk food (and even specifically McNuggets). We’ve discussed the joys of having someone cook for you and of cooking for others.

Fuck, even the delivery guy calling made it on the list.

Clearly, I’ve got a little thing for eating.

So with that said, we get to this next feeling. It may seem like a slight repeat of a few and in some ways it is. But, I wanted something that encapsulated all of the feelings of enjoying that great whatever you’re having.

I’ll give you an example to illustrate:

Recently, I went to a comedy show with a couple friends. It was a weekday and there was enough time after work to meet for dinner before the show. In fact, the other two I was going with were meeting for dinner. I declined.

Why?

Because just the night before I’d made chicken tortilla soup and I couldn’t fucking wait to have more of it. Let me repeat that, in a different way, so the girth of it hits you squarely: I was so excited to eat something I declined an opportunity to hang out with friends so I could dine alone and meet them at a later time.

Yeah.

The beauty of this feeling is that it extends to anything you’re excited about eating. That could be the sushi delivery you have coming for lunch today or the cake you’re allowing yourself to devour on your cheat day or the monthly Popeye’s run you make (this, dear reader, is actually a part of my routine) or when you make yourself a bowl of linguine and clams big enough for two people (yes, I do this as well… it’s both gluttonous and amazing). Hell, it could be something you’ve made at home or it could be something someone’s made for you.

One way or the other, you’re excited. You know, beyond any doubt, you’re going to love every single bite of whatever you’ve got coming.

But nothing beats that first bite.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: The last bite. Now, to be fair, the last bite can be quite satisfying as well. I’m a big proponent of saving and organizing that last bite so it’s a great send off to your meal. That all said… there are no further bites after that.

#8 – The First Fart When The Girl You’ve Just Started Dating Leaves

foods-make-you-fart-mainI’m sure this is the case in reverse for women, but as I’m a guy, I can only speak to my own experience.

There really isn’t much to say in this space that the title doesn’t plainly convey, but let’s at least get into it a bit.

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s almost an absolute no-no until one of you crosses the line for the first time and lives to tell the tale.

Honestly, it’s not that different from the first time my brother or I said “fuck” at the dinner table. My parents, after initially being angry, eventually said “Well, I guess we’ve crossed the fuck barrier” and from that point forward conversations were different. Farting and fucking share this one commonality.

I’ll add, before we go further here, that even when you have crossed the fart line together it’s still not the same as you would when you’re alone. Some things are better left as they are. Farting is one of those things.

But, back to the feeling at hand…

Before you’ve crossed that barrier, every single date and sleepover and hangout is really just gymnastics for your intestines and anus. How long can you hold in this gas before you either implode, something leaks out or you can get to a bathroom that’s far enough away that she A) won’t hear it and B) the smell will dissipate by the time you return?

No matter how great the night or date has been—let’s say, absolute best case, you’ve had mind-blowing, life-altering sex with the hottest chick you’ve ever gone out with—not a moment of it compares to the sweet and total release you’re going to feel the second you hear those heels click far enough away that they’re not coming back.

You know you’re back in the safe zone, so you let it rip. Good and long, multiple times for the next few minutes and it’s bliss in a way that truly can’t be described.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: You think you’ve been good, holding it in this whole time, but you discover you’ve actually had a few silent ones leak out… which is even worse than anything you could’ve imagined because now it just plain stinks and there’s no one to blame.