Captain Crunch: Horrible Business Man or Cereal Profiteer?

Would you trust this man to run your company?

So, like most kids raised in the 90s, I grew up with Cap’n Crunch*.  Or, more accurately, I grew up in a household where we weren’t exactly supposed to have sugary cereals (read: un-fun cereals) and so I had to sneak them in when I could like I was one of the kids in Heavyweights**.

I grew up idolizing the Captain.  How, despite all odds, he always made it happen.  Even when you couldn’t bare to have the roof of your mouth scratched any more.  Even when you thought Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch was never actually going to come to fruition.  Even when, in the middle of summer, he kept that extremely high-collared blue uniform on to ensure morale amongst his seamen never dipped below “Grrrreeaaatttt!”

So you could imagine my disappointment when I recently found out that Oops! All Berries made its way back onto supermarket shelves across the nation. As it turns out, this wasn’t a recent development. A little wikipedic research helped me discover that although the cereal debuted in the late 90s and found its way out of circulation shortly thereafter, it returned in the last few years with the “Limited Time Only” notice removed.

I’ve always curse word hated Oops! All Berries.  Why is it that everyone casually excused this incredible blunder with a simple cry of Oops!  It wouldn’t work with anything else and it shouldn’t have worked with this.

As far as I recall, and this could be entirely fiction, the story behind the cereal goes as follows:

  1. Cap’n H.M. Crunch closes up the fiscal quarter at the cereal factory in stunning fashion, shattering previous sales records.
  2. In a moment of joy and carelessness, he left the factory for the summer with door unlocked and in the hands of his nincompoop employees.
  3. Unaware of how to actually operate any of the machinery at the factory, a catastrophic disaster occurred when batch after batch of cereal was found to be missing any of the corn pieces.

And so, in response to this, how is it presented to the public?  Oops!  Sorry we screwed up the single greatest cereal out there, one of surely the simplest to put together, and created this ridiculous berry concoction.  It wouldn’t work like that in any other sphere of life.  You can’t say, after 30 years of marriage, “Sorry honey, Oops! All infidelity!”  I don’t know why, but I have strong suspicion that wouldn’t hold up in court… Your honor, I believe I’m citing H.M. Crunch v. General Mills precedent when I say, Oops!

I’d even imagine that the other cereal tycoons give the Cap’n a pretty good ration of curse word whenever they all meet up.

Guy who created Trix: I’d just like to reiterate, for what has to be the millionth time, this cereal isn’t for adults or rabbits.  It’s not for teens, or tweens, or toddlers or even children.  It’s for Kids, and that’s it.  I will not budge on that.

KIX mom:  (perky and excited, dressed like a librarian from middle school) I’m proud to say my cereal is not only approved, but is also for kids.

Cookie Crunch dog: (in a whisper to the other Cookie Crunch character) Yeah, I’m sure kids are just dying to get their hands on some KIX.

KIX mom: What was that?

Cap’n Crunch: Nothing, nothing.  He was just saying how he could go for some KIX, how great it is, right?  Us corn cereals have to stick together!

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Chef: You’ve got some nerve to talk, friend.  You sure you’re even a corn-based cereal any longer?

Cookie Crunch dog: Yeah, come on.  At least we don’t hide behind “berries” or “fruit flavors”.  We should all be in it together.  Sugar for breakfast! No gimmicks!

Corn Flakes guy:  Oops! All diabetes!

(collective laughter)

I’m sure that’s how it goes down whenever they get together.  Has to be.

So, if there’s anything to learn from all this, it’s that Oops! All Berries is sadly back in stores, seemingly for good.  And next time you mess something up, don’t worry about having to fess up to it.  All you have to do is say is say “Oops!” and no one will have a problem with it.

*Did you know, and I’m willing to bet you didn’t, that his full name is Horatio Magellan Crunch? Nothing better than when fictitious characters have full names and backstories that are never shared with the public.

**I might argue… and in fact, I will because this is my site, so the hell with it… that Heavyweights is one of the more underrated films of its era.  It’s never on TV, features our first glimpse at Ben Stiller perfecting his ubiquitous White Goodman character, has a jerky foreign counselor/bad guy, and the fat kid wins at the end.  Great film.  Ok, really good film.

One thought on “Captain Crunch: Horrible Business Man or Cereal Profiteer?”

  1. Pretty funny. I am a little disheartened that with all my careful mothering, you still managed to fall in love with the captain. Also, some of the references were lost on me being a Life and Rice Chex girl myself.

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