The Elephant In The Room: Which Disney Character Would You Most Enjoy Sexual Intercourse With?

I thought about how I wanted to do this for a few days now.  Did I want to do a top-10 style list?  Maybe I could figure some way to set up groups and rank that way?* How about taking those groups and doing some sort of outlandish, March Madness-style tournament?** What about using an excerpt from my soon-to-be-published novel where the characters briefly discuss something similar?

Ultimately, I decided against all of those for the following reasons… 1) played out… 2) way too much effort… 3) not even I’m that big of a self-promoter (or, am I… as you read a site written by me created by me with the partial intent of promoting a book by me?)

I settled on just picking a handful, and breaking them down.  Simple, to the point.  Let’s get started.

Jasmine was easily one of the hottest, most exotic characters ever drawn (animated?) for the Disney screen.  First off, she basically just trolled around all day wearing nothing but (what had to be) silk sweatpants and a similarly styled bra.  So, points there.  Second, she had a pet tiger.  Third, she had a pet fucking tiger.  Fourth, her father (aside from being nonsensically short and moronic) ran an entire nation so you know she’s caked up.  I was/continue to be a fan.

Esmeralda, for those of you unaware, was the sneaky hot gypsy (read: hobo) in Hunchback of Notre Dame.  Similar to Jasmine, she had a nice body*** and dark, exotic features.  Going against her though was that she somehow found Quasimodo attractive.  I suppose, if you’re a positive person, that bodes well for the rest of us, but I look at it like, if this girl thinks that freak is attractive, she’s all sorts of screwed up and you won’t find it all out until you’re stuck living in a bell tower with her.  Hot, but I’ll pass.

Belle is my absolute favorite.  I contend she looks a lot like Anne Hathaway. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Doesn’t matter, both of them are easy on the eyes.  Let’s start with the positives.  She sees the best in everyone, dotes on her family, loves to read (I love that her town considers her strange because she likes to read. Even in a Disney movie that struck me as ridiculous), looks just as hot wearing a formal dress as she does in crappy, around-the-house wear, and some of her best friends are candles and clocks.  To some that may be a little cooky, but I’ve always found that those are the girls that were the most enjoyable in the bedroom.  As Ludacris once said, almost certainly in reference to Belle, “We want a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed.”

Ariel was always a tricky one for me.  First of all, her age wasn’t entirely clear.  Second, are we talking mermaid Ariel or human Ariel?  Leave it to a redhead**** to cause the most confusion and consternation (big word alert).  Personally, I’m fine with redheads and I could even get used to the whole “no-legs, I have a fin instead” thing.  What bothers me, and what loses her points in my mind, is that she has to have the most intimidating father of all time and that she most likely smells terrible.  Combine that with the fact that I hate the beach, and I think Ariel is out.

Pocohontas is Native American, so she’s out.*****

Sleeping Beauty (actually, Princess Aurora, as my niece I’m sure would point out, is her real name), Cinderella, and Snow White all sort of fell into that “before my time” and “too princess-y” category to actually have sexual fantasies about. The first two, I’d imagine, are snooty b-words and Ms. White’s only real qualification is that, after living with 7 men, she probably can handle a lot (Not that I’ve ever actually enjoyed it, but I figure it’s worth pointing out that there are pornographic videos of all of the Disney characters engaging in sexual activities with counterparts… Jafar and Jasmine, Abu and Jasmine, that little crab and Ariel, etc.  Of those, the Snow White and dwarves video is easily the most disturbing/humorous.  Man, I love the internet.)

Nala was always a dark horse in this game (or, should I say, dark lion? Hey now!)  When I’ve had this conversation with friends of mine, I’ve always brought up Nala as my choice and, oddly, people don’t stop me by saying, “Hey, wait a second, Nala was an animal.”  Instead, I get, “Which one, the younger one that Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ Simba was with or the older one that was with Matthew Broderick?”  To which I’ve always responded, “Matthew Broderick, of course.”  This answers the age old question:  if pitted against one another, bestiality always beats statutory rape.  Couldn’t agree more.

So, to wrap up, I think Jasmine, Nala, and Belle are my top 3.  I didn’t really have much to say about Mulan or the girl from the Princess and the Frog, so I left them out and I think we’re all better for it.  Only so long in a given sitting you can dream about fooling around with cartoon characters, wouldn’t want to go overboard.

*Princesses, villains (Ursula, what, what!), animals, women that turn to princesses, mermaids, and regular ole broads.

**It should be noted, I never really gave that idea much thought.  I mean, let’s get real here.  We’re talking about having sex with cartoon characters, not some silly college basketball tournament.

***From now on, I’ll just save us all the time and omit the whole “nice body” thing.  None of these characters were drawn with anything less than rock hard, flat stomachs, inched waistlines, huge boobs, and gorgeous faces.  I think the “heaviest” leading lady was Snow White, who really was more “girl next door” than chubby, in my opinion.

****Jessica Rabbit, another redhead, was not included in this discussion because… well, come on, look at her.

*****Come on, I’m kidding.  She’s out really because that story always annoyed me.  It would be like if Disney made a Holocaust cartoon where one of the Nazis falls in love with a cute Jewish woman.  Ain’t happenin’.  I’m fine with talking animals, but there’s some things I just won’t allow.