More To Me Than Just A Digit

Sorry guys, that number won’t quite work.

I don’t remember when we (read: men) started doing it, but it’s definitely been a while. Frankly, as long as I can remember being sexually attracted to women, I can also remember either verbally or mentally rating those same women.

I’m not saying it’s OK or that men are the only ones who do it. Hell, they even made a movie about it, so it has to be socially acceptable, right?*

The point is, it’s 2013. We need to get beyond this one-through-ten system.

First off, I’ve always believed that there should be two scales, one for celebrities and one for the rest of us. Let’s be honest, the hottest girl (or guy) you’ve met isn’t shit compared to Denzel Washington or Scarlett Johansson. Those are 9, 10’s. Your version of that wouldn’t rate on the celebrity scale.  People like Jay Mohr and Hillary Swank on the other hand…

The second, more important variance, came to me about a year or so ago.  A cousin of mine brought up the Area Code Rating System. Every time he and I joke about it, I thank him for coming up with it and he insists (somehow, unaware I know he didn’t invent it) he was just passing it on from someone else.

For those of you unaware, this has apparently been around for a while. You assign a three digit rating to each girl… just like (wait for it!) an area code. Ludacris is rolling over in his proverbial grave**. Digit one is 0-9 for the face, digit two is binary for whether you would (1) or wouldn’t (0) have sex with her/him, and digit three is 0-9 for the body.

Roll that around for a minute, because it’s really a pretty good system.

The only issue I could find with it is that I can’t have a girl from my home area code. I’d imagine that getting your home area code, if even only to say you saw her, is a crowning achievement. However, I’m sad to report that I’m from a 9-0-8, which has to be an impossibility. You’re not going to run into some incredibly hot chick that you refuse to have sex with. Just won’t happen.

The only way*** I could figure that to work would be if Kate Upton had some sort of sexually transmitted disease. And even then, I’d imagine someone will give it a shot: “If it’s good enough for Justin Verlander…”

Before anyone reading this considers it over-the-top sexist, let me just say issue this last PSA: women may not rate men as crudely as I’ve described men doing the reverse, but they do it just the same.

OK, have fun.

*A few words about that movie, if I may… While I really did enjoy it and found it to be a truly original (cast-wise) and funny movie, I left the theater very annoyed. Why, you ask? Because I couldn’t stand that this fucking guy ended up with this woman. I get it, it’s a movie, but this is just too much. She’s not just out of his league, she out of his sport. The tagline is, “How can a 10 go for a 5?”  Really? How about, “Why would a 15 go for 5? How rich does this 5 need to be? Is the 15 mentally handicapped?”  Here’s the cherry on top… It’s not like Alice Eve’s character is a moron. No. Besides her incredible looks, she’s also independently wealthy, smart, and… You get the point. [Editor’s note: After reading this over I realized, it paints me as a whiny bitch. However, seeing as how that’s what I am, I decided to leave it in.]

**You could argue, based on his career at this point, it’s not exactly proverbial.

***You know who else could fit under that umbrella? Disney characters.

One comment

  1. Pingback: Michelle Obama vs. Alice Eve « Gold Jacket, Green Jacket

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