Category: Dating

I’m sure this is the case in reverse for women, but as I’m a guy, I can only speak to my own experience.

There really isn’t much to say in this space that the title doesn’t plainly convey, but let’s at least get into it a bit.

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s almost an absolute no-no until one of you crosses the line for the first time and lives to tell the tale.

Honestly, it’s not that different from the first time my brother or I said “fuck” at the dinner table. My parents, after initially being angry, eventually said “Well, I guess we’ve crossed the fuck barrier” and from that point forward conversations were different. Farting and fucking share this one commonality.

I’ll add, before we go further here, that even when you have crossed the fart line together it’s still not the same as you would when you’re alone. Some things are better left as they are. Farting is one of those things.

But, back to the feeling at hand…

Before you’ve crossed that barrier, every single date and sleepover and hangout is really just gymnastics for your intestines and anus. How long can you hold in this gas before you either implode, something leaks out or you can get to a bathroom that’s far enough away that she A) won’t hear it and B) the smell will dissipate by the time you return?

No matter how great the night or date has been—let’s say, absolute best case, you’ve had mind-blowing, life-altering sex with the hottest chick you’ve ever gone out with—not a moment of it compares to the sweet and total release you’re going to feel the second you hear those heels click far enough away that they’re not coming back.

You know you’re back in the safe zone, so you let it rip. Good and long, multiple times for the next few minutes and it’s bliss in a way that truly can’t be described.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: You think you’ve been good, holding it in this whole time, but you discover you’ve actually had a few silent ones leak out… which is even worse than anything you could’ve imagined because now it just plain stinks and there’s no one to blame.

I’ve always enjoyed that word. Honestly, it never fails to elicit a chuckle either from me or from the person listening to me say “intercourse” instead of any of the more coarse synonyms.

Seeing as how this is a family site, I’ll attempt to keep it as clean as we can.

As we’re nearing the end of this list, the feelings from this point out are real no-doubt-abouters. The sort of slam dunk-type feelings that almost everyone has enjoyed at some point and plainly understands how unbelievable they are.

This one is no different. Of course, I should point out that something very similar will be even higher on this list, for reasons you’ll read in a few weeks. For now, let’s focus on why we included the caveat of “routinely.”

If you’re routinely having sex with someone, it likely means one of two very good things is going on in your life.

1. You have an amazing hook-up with someone and both of you are on the same page about what is actually transpiring between the two of you.
2. You are in a healthy, fulfilling relationship with someone.

Those of you that know me personally are probably surprised to read that last one from ol’ Ebenezer Scrooge of Dating, the Grinch of Boyfriends past over here.

But if I’m being honest with myself and the relationships I’ve been in throughout my life, there is something undeniably amazing about routinely getting it. And not just because you’re doing the one thing nearly all of us spend some amount of time in our lives thinking about. No, that’s great but it’s not just that.

When it becomes routine that means, sure, you’ve maybe lost some of that BRAND NEW, HOLY SHIT, EVERY SINGLE TIME IS A DISCOVERY OF LIFE feeling. But what you’ve gained in its stead is much, much better. You both know each other far better, you trust one another, you understand comfort levels and preferences and desires and turn ons.

There’s really no denying that while the absolute WOW factor may have diminished, it’s definitely better after that point in time. It may never be as novel or as shock-and-awe as it was initially, but that’s ok.

Plus, what’s better than coming home from (insert anything on this earth that takes you away from home) to return to your significant other and know you both want to and will have great sex with one another.

OK, aside from the NBA.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: Going so long in between sessions that you forget how long it’s been since the last time.

This would be a lot lower, but as we all know it never quite works out as you have it planned in your mind.

The reality, of course, is you really can’t tell many people in your life how you actually feel about them.

This includes, but isn’t limited to, your boss, your co-workers, a great number of your friends, your girlfriend or wife or husband or boyfriend and anyone you’re dating that you hope becomes one of those previous four.

However, given the accepted and known repercussions associated with carrying this action out it does say something about how good it feels to do it that, even with all the baggage it carries, it’s still in the top 150.

To be fair: a lot of this is based on how I’d imagine it would go. In my life, I think I’ve told someone how I really feel about them less than two times. And I’m only saying that because if I said zero, no one would believe me. But, I think it’s closer to zero.

Outside of Curb Your Enthusiasm, it’s just not socially acceptable. But, that’s what makes it so enjoyable, so fun. It’s the forbidden fruit, the complete release.

And most of you are probably assuming, especially given the picture used above, that I’m talking about someone you don’t like. A lot of them… yes, that’s what I’m referring to. But, in the case of a partner, it often is the other way until you’ve reached a deep stage in a relationship where you can really be honest.

I wish I had some good story about how I told a friend I didn’t really care for any longer that we were through as pals, no hard feelings, and listed in painstaking detail my reasons for officially dissolving the friendship. They would be initially surprised by what I was saying, but the specificity of my claims would ultimately ring true, they’d see my side and we’d part amicably.

Alas, I have no such story.

So, if you ever decide to do this and get this feeling on your belt, let me know.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: Telling a girl how you feel about them—in the positive—and getting basically nothing back.

The term “blind date” isn’t really used any more. Hell, for all I know it may be offensive nowadays.

Either way, just because that exact phrasing isn’t used any longer doesn’t take away from its accuracy.

According to research I haven’t done and isn’t even close to accurate, 73% of all first dates in major US cities are what, in a previous time, were known as “blind dates.”

Which is to say that the individuals on the date didn’t know what the other looked like before they arrived. It doesn’t imply that one or both of them was actually blind.

You may argue that the concept of blind dates has gone away with online dating, but I’d simply say that you, my good friend, have never online dated. If everyone looked exactly like they did in their pictures there wouldn’t be dating any more—either because everyone would’ve paired up or everyone would’ve given up, but nothing in between.

So when you agree to go on a date with another person, a relative stranger aside from some texts and the like over the app, you really don’t know exactly what you’re getting yourself into.

Sure, the savvy among us will look up any extra photos there are to find of this new person but still, you’re going in with a curated version of what this date wants people to think they look like. The real thing can be quite different and it goes in both directions.

This feeling is about when it works in your favor. Whatever it is (hairstyle, height, weight, appearance… that bullshit that “I just don’t look good in photos!”), the person simply shines in person more than they do in the app.

That’s a fucking win.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: You’re waiting outside the bar or restaurant for this date to arrive, you see them approaching and you’re stoked because of how much more attractive they are than you anticipated… then you speak to them. And it’s like talking to zucchini. Have fun for the next two hours.

You’re waiting in line for… well, anything. Waiting in and of itself is awful, you don’t need me to provide a specific location to make this scenario more dire, but I’m going to anyway.

Let’s say you’re on line at Target. You just had a nice experience buying crap you don’t need at prices you can’t possibly imagine were this low. Now, you’ve made the mistake you always make–you’ve picked the wrong line. It’s a Saturday, it’s busy, so of course the store only has lines 1, 3, 67 and 72 open. 1 and 3 are about a quarter mile down the road, so you picked 67 because the line appeared to be shortest.

Naturally, that was a short-sighted selection as every single person in front of you has a million items, coupons, out-of-date gift cards and basically every other form of delay known to mankind is taking place in front of you.

Then, a gift from the heavens arrives.

No, not the manager coming to your lane. That’s just a sign of further delay.

It’s the woman standing in front of you (or fella, whatever). She’s gorgeous, she’s not listening to music, she doesn’t have a ring, she’s not with anybody.

This isn’t a club, you’re not even necessarily looking to score in any way—be it a number or, you know.

But, now, at THE VERY LEAST, you have someone to make snide comments with.

Don’t pretend you’d rather share those with the dude in the Star Wars shirt behind you.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling? Thinking you’re in with this girl/guy, getting the courage up to ask for a number or even say, “You know, we should hang out some time!” and then getting flat out rejected or having the line suddenly move so fast you run out of time.