You’re waiting in line for… well, anything. Waiting in and of itself is awful, you don’t need me to provide a specific location to make this scenario more dire, but I’m going to anyway.
Let’s say you’re on line at Target. You just had a nice experience buying crap you don’t need at prices you can’t possibly imagine were this low. Now, you’ve made the mistake you always make–you’ve picked the wrong line. It’s a Saturday, it’s busy, so of course the store only has lines 1, 3, 67 and 72 open. 1 and 3 are about a quarter mile down the road, so you picked 67 because the line appeared to be shortest.
Naturally, that was a short-sighted selection as every single person in front of you has a million items, coupons, out-of-date gift cards and basically every other form of delay known to mankind is taking place in front of you.
Then, a gift from the heavens arrives.
No, not the manager coming to your lane. That’s just a sign of further delay.
It’s the woman standing in front of you (or fella, whatever). She’s gorgeous, she’s not listening to music, she doesn’t have a ring, she’s not with anybody.
This isn’t a club, you’re not even necessarily looking to score in any way—be it a number or, you know.
But, now, at THE VERY LEAST, you have someone to make snide comments with.
Don’t pretend you’d rather share those with the dude in the Star Wars shirt behind you.
Polar Opposite of this Feeling? Thinking you’re in with this girl/guy, getting the courage up to ask for a number or even say, “You know, we should hang out some time!” and then getting flat out rejected or having the line suddenly move so fast you run out of time.
What follows is the product of intense years of study, effort and research conducted by yours truly. I’ve been out there, in the battlefields and trenches, with women who have made the mistake of allowing me into their lives. More times than I’m sure they’re willing to admit we’ve done some sleeping together, these womenfolk and myself. All times (but one) I’ve been almost assuredly the more surprised party that it was occurring.
While I won’t claim to have any sort of wealth of knowledge on the subject, I think we can all agree that not all sex is created equal. And I don’t simply mean positions or people involved. I’m talking the types of sex that you can have. It’s not all the same, and so, with the help of some gChat conversations I’ve had and my own highly involved ranking system, I think I’ve developed the proper sexual power rankings.
Without further ado, in reverse order…
This is awful sex. It’s just terrible. There’s some passion, some heat in the beginning–that’s great, sure. But that quickly fades and in its place are just two sweaty people who probably don’t really like each other as much as they did 24 hours ago, but desperately need genital friction. So, they have sex. They make that last ditch effort and I’m pretty sure it ends up the same way every time: sad.
That’s how much I fucking hate break-up sex. I’d literally rather not have sex than have break-up sex. You know how bad that has to make break-up sex? Think about that for a second. The thing that we spend most of our lives working for in some regard (school as a means to getting a job as a means to getting money as means to providing as a means to having as a means to impressing as a means to… you guessed it… SEX) has a variety that is so bad, doing nothing actually beats it out.
I guess I can spoil the surprise: it was just over two weeks ago. Like most people, I’ve never really considered myself a douche. I suppose if I’d ever stopped to do some self-reflection, I’d have conceded that I do have some definite douche qualities. But, a full-fledged, certified douche? I hadn’t ever thought of myself that way.
In doing some quick research, it turns out that’s the case for most douches. I asked a bunch of guys that I consider to be douches, and almost to a man, none of them felt they fit under the category of “douche”. Hard to see the forest through the trees, and all that.
The exact timing of this discovery (like I’d said, two weeks or so ago) and the method through which I discovered (Gchat) are immaterial when compared to the actual nature of the discovery and facts contained therein. I’ll get to them in a moment, but before we do… a little back story.
I met this girl probably five years ago, we both went to the same college—she having graduated a year after I did. We’d had some mutual friends and met through them one night at a bar in the city. Over the course of time, we’d wind up hanging out a number of times in a relationship that boiled down to, primarily, alcohol and intercourse. Now, for women reading this, it’s probably pretty apparent to you where this is headed—Duh, she thought you were a douche because you fucking WERE a douche! You can’t just treat a girl like that and not expect to be thought of that way! And to you, inner-monologue, I say, fair enough. But, I’ll also add, at the time* I felt as if it was a pretty mutually understood situation we found ourselves in. There would be no formal dates, no gifts, no hugs. It was, as they say, what it was.
That took place probably 3-4 years ago at this point. Since then, we’ve both moved on to various other partners (spreading our seed, y’all!) and randomly, a few weeks back, she and I spoke over gChat, that oh-so-familiar time-suck provided by our great pals at Google.
Somehow in the conversation, a guy she had dated in the past had come up. She described him as “a complete douche” and proceeded to detail several things he did that were, unequivocally, things a complete douche would do. So, we moved forward. We discussed my female situation (more on that, in full, when we get to the next episode) and a few other topics until we landed on the question of whether or not I was still living in the same place I had lived when we fooled around.
I still am, so I said yes. She asked if I was still living with my roommate, a peach of a young gent. I still am, so I said yes.
It was at this point I sort of had a sense for where this might be going. She started talking about this one time my roommate had made her french toast (for reasons unknown, I wasn’t there) and how he helped her sister (who also lived in the building at the time) with a car break-in once. So, to sort of help my case—which, in comparison to his on a nice-ness scale, will always pale—I simply typed in that I felt that, as swell of a guy as he is, I am as well, simply in my own, albeit different, way.
Her exact response, perhaps the highlight of the entire exchange:
The simplicity. The honesty. What’s not to love? She’d follow that up with this:
You weren’t that nice to me at all. I mean, I was kind of a mess when I met you, admittedly, but I don’t have a lot of fond memories. In terms of power-ranking my “ex’s” of any kind, you’re like just a few notches above [that previous guy we’d just called a douche].
Once I’d clarified that above, in this case, meant better, I surmised that I had to be, by the square is a rectangle, rectangle isn’t a square rule, a douche. Her response:
A different kind of douche, but kind a douche nonetheless. But that other guy I was talking about was a racist homophobic. I think deep down you have a good heart.
I may have lied before. That may have been my favorite part. Truly, it is hard to pick, isn’t it? I loved that the ordering of men from her past went, Racist/Homophobic/Expensive tastes douche… then me. But, thankfully, that wasn’t wholly true:
lolol No wait, there’s also an ex of mine that turned out to be a heroin addict.
Alrighty. So, to recap… it goes, Heroin addict, Racist homophobe, Scott Spinelli. That’s some company. She assured me that I was more “like a funny Disney villian”, which isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the world to be told. We ended by me saying I’d maybe see her around, which wasn’t (honestly) any sort of invitation or olive branch, simply what I felt was a nice thing to say to someone that lives in the same town as I do, to end an otherwise strange conversation. She countered with yet another honest, simple response.
And so there you have it. That’s how I found out that I was a douche. Honestly, kind of felt like this.
And while I know, nothing wildly specific was provided and that the way I acted with this girl wasn’t necessarily in-line with the Gentleman’s Guide, it’s still quite something to be flat-out-told: You. Are. A. Douche.
Live to fight another day, I suppose.
*I went back and looked at some of our old conversations, via e-mail and chat. Of course, none of this is hard evidence, and this girl did say that she didn’t expect to be–for lack of a better term–wooed, but nothing I found suggested I was actively acting like a douche. OK, I’m done providing desperate-attempt-efforts to explain away what can be only be described as douche.
“I know what I’m doing,” I shouted at my mom (probably with a shitty, teenage know-it-all tone).
“All I’m saying is, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. That’s all.”
It in this case was the relationship I had with my then-girlfriend in college. We were both going abroad to London that year—the only problem was that she had planned to go during the Fall and I had planned on going during the Spring.
My mother, who has been married to my father for over a quarter century, spoke to me as if she knew about relationships. Calmly, she explained that I shouldn’t feel any pressure to change everything and that not seeing her could make us grow closer. When I tried to explain that it would effectively be a year without us seeing one another (as if she couldn’t figure that out on her own), she simply gave me a polite smile and reasoned that it wasn’t as if we were going to be on different planets.
Of course, I knew more than she did (and still do, about everything) so I pushed ahead and made my decision.
I decided to completely change my plans. Re-arranged my course load, figured out where I’d live when I got back in the Spring and switched everything with the appropriate people in buildings with titles like “Registrar” and “Bursar”*.
What happened, or at least the series of things that happened, led me on the path to becoming the single man I am today. In fact, those events were the last time I was ever not-single, if that’s a thing.
I remember the exact night this story occurred. It was September 8th of this past year. How do I know that, you ask? Well, I had spent my morning/day watching my favorite football team (the Tampa Bay Bucs) lose to the New York Jets in horrific, embarrassing, game-ending fashion.
Looking back on that day, it’s interesting to think there was a point in the season where I actually had hope for the Bucs’ season, but that’s neither here nor there for this post*.
Either way, as I went to the game with a couple of my friends and I’m no longer in grade school, we were not strictly in attendance to watch the football game. Tailgating started around 10:30 in the morning and seeing as how there were only four of us total, there wasn’t much to do aside from drink (and, occasionally, eat).
Of course, the game gets going and we don’t stop drinking. In fact, all the beer from the day is making us more aware of how rapidly ‘last call’ at MetLife Stadium is approaching, so there’s now a little urgency in each sip.
Once the game is over, mind you, it’s only four in the afternoon. It’s a gorgeous day out, I’m drunk but not wasted… I’m not ending my day here.
Now, as we all know, drinking tends to beget poor judgement and a little… shall we say… desire for companionship. So, like a moron, I begin scrolling through my phone for two things… First, someone (anyone) to continue drinking with once I returned to Hoboken… and Second, any girl in my contact list that I hadn’t already either burned a bridge with, insulted or otherwise ruined an opportunity for some sort of physical interaction.
I found the former in my roommate (who was actually going to be out watching the 4 PM games anyway) and the latter in a girl I had been texting with from CoffeeMeetsBagel. We’d discussed meeting for a drink at some point in the near future, but ol’ booze brain decided it would be a good idea to meet her that night.
A little while ago, I found myself at a bar in Hoboken (where I live) with two of my friends. This isn’t unusual.
We were drinking fairly heavily, it was a weekday and one of those two friends, en route to the bathroom, was chatting with someone (a girl, in this instance) he seemed to recognize from somewhere. This, also, isn’t unusual.
As I sat at our table with my other friend, we laughed how our buddy always seemed to know someone (male, or female) everywhere and was remarkable at striking up conversation with people in public. Time carrying on as it normally does, I realized that for some reason, this girl my friend was talking to actually looked familiar to me as well.
I should note, this girl was pretty, but in a very unremarkable sort of way. The sort of way that caught your attention, but not that made you lose track of the conversation you were in, if you catch my drift.
I asked the friend sitting with me if he recognized her, if there was anything about her that caught his eye. He said no, but I knew I knew her. With nothing other than my conviction, I told my friend (and the other one once he returned to the table) that I planned on getting her attention once she passed us on her way out.
Sure enough, that moment came shortly.
“Hey!” I shouted in her direction.
She stopped, but mainly because there were a total of (maybe) six other people in the bar.
“Hey,” I repeated. “Did you go to Villanova?”
Confused, she admitted that she had.
“Do you have a somewhat attractive, blonde-haired friend that lives in Jersey City?”
The confusion still sat heavily on her face, but it had begun to lift. She admitted in the affirmative, once more.
“Do you remember who I am?” I asked, with what I’m sure was a shit-eating grin plastered on my face. Before she could answer, I continued, “You walked out on me and my friend at a bar, at Pourhouse, about a month ago. Remember? You two said you were going to the bathroom, but you never came back. I was one of those guys.”
She laughed, unsure of what to do next. Or, better yet, unsure of what I was going to do next. But, I knew for certain she recognized me now.
“It’s OK,” I laughed, truly at ease. “I’d have left me too. I’m not going to bust your chops about it, I just knew I recognized you and wanted to make sure this was how.”
Again, more giggling and confused conversation. She stumbled around for a few minutes, saying how it was really all her friend’s plan and how sensitive she is and how she wouldn’t have left us like that if it wasn’t for her friend and how she was actually having a great time that night.
“No, you weren’t,” I said. “But that’s OK.”
She continued to try to convince me that any and of all that bullshit she had spewed was true. For the record, I honestly couldn’t have cared if it was (or wasn’t) true. I just wanted her to know that I recognized her. And have her deal with that awkwardness.
Not that it’s eye for an eye, but I doubt I’d ever walk out on two (admittedly, semi-hot) girls at a bar, so this was the best I’d get.
Score one for us.
I don’t remember when we (read: men) started doing it, but it’s definitely been a while. Frankly, as long as I can remember being sexually attracted to women, I can also remember either verbally or mentally rating those same women.
I’m not saying it’s OK or that men are the only ones who do it. Hell, they even made a movie about it, so it has to be socially acceptable, right?*
The point is, it’s 2013. We need to get beyond this one-through-ten system.
First off, I’ve always believed that there should be two scales, one for celebrities and one for the rest of us. Let’s be honest, the hottest girl (or guy) you’ve met isn’t shit compared to Denzel Washington or Scarlett Johansson. Those are 9, 10’s. Your version of that wouldn’t rate on the celebrity scale. People like Jay Mohr and Hillary Swank on the other hand…
The second, more important variance, came to me about a year or so ago. A cousin of mine brought up the Area Code Rating System. Every time he and I joke about it, I thank him for coming up with it and he insists (somehow, unaware I know he didn’t invent it) he was just passing it on from someone else.
For those of you unaware, this has apparently been around for a while. You assign a three digit rating to each girl… just like (wait for it!) an area code. Ludacris is rolling over in his proverbial grave**. Digit one is 0-9 for the face, digit two is binary for whether you would (1) or wouldn’t (0) have sex with her/him, and digit three is 0-9 for the body.
Roll that around for a minute, because it’s really a pretty good system.
The only issue I could find with it is that I can’t have a girl from my home area code. I’d imagine that getting your home area code, if even only to say you saw her, is a crowning achievement. However, I’m sad to report that I’m from a 9-0-8, which has to be an impossibility. You’re not going to run into some incredibly hot chick that you refuse to have sex with. Just won’t happen.
The only way*** I could figure that to work would be if Kate Upton had some sort of sexually transmitted disease. And even then, I’d imagine someone will give it a shot: “If it’s good enough for Justin Verlander…”
Before anyone reading this considers it over-the-top sexist, let me just say issue this last PSA: women may not rate men as crudely as I’ve described men doing the reverse, but they do it just the same.
OK, have fun.
*A few words about that movie, if I may… While I really did enjoy it and found it to be a truly original (cast-wise) and funny movie, I left the theater very annoyed. Why, you ask? Because I couldn’t stand that this fucking guy ended up with this woman. I get it, it’s a movie, but this is just too much. She’s not just out of his league, she out of his sport. The tagline is, “How can a 10 go for a 5?” Really? How about, “Why would a 15 go for 5? How rich does this 5 need to be? Is the 15 mentally handicapped?” Here’s the cherry on top… It’s not like Alice Eve’s character is a moron. No. Besides her incredible looks, she’s also independently wealthy, smart, and… You get the point. [Editor’s note: After reading this over I realized, it paints me as a whiny bitch. However, seeing as how that’s what I am, I decided to leave it in.]
**You could argue, based on his career at this point, it’s not exactly proverbial.
***You know who else could fit under that umbrella? Disney characters.
Confession 1: The title of this post is a lie.
Confession 2: This post was originally intended to be about a singles event I attended this week but in the absence of actually humorous things occurring, I decided to go in a slightly different direction.
Confession 3: Took a little over a week off after a death in the family. Moving onward.
So, why the hate, you ask? Well, as I said in Confession #2, I went to a singles event this week. Tuesday, I believe. It was at some douchey bar in the meatpacking district, sponsored by Match.com (more on that in a moment). I don’t remember the name and don’t want to embarrass the actual club, so I’ll just make one up… Let’s see, what would sound fake? How about, my favorite number… and my favorite month?
Let’s go with elevenaugust. No, no. That definitely sounds fake. Fine, how about tenjune? Let’s go with that.
There is something a little odd about an online dating site having in-person events, but I think of it like what should have happened with Blockbuster deciding to get into the Netflix game (except not years and years too late). Side note: good call by the executives at ‘Buster (No, just wait this out… This whole to-your-door and instant movie thing will fade, trust me!).
Heading into that night I had hoped for two things:
- Get some phone numbers, meet some gals.
- Remember some funny stories, chronicle them here to benefit off other’s misery.
Neither occurred. Strangely, I forgot about that little part of male-female interaction that you still have to have something to say to them. For all my inability to shut the hell up once I get going, I’ve always seemed to have a faulty starter in my engine when it comes to strangers (male and female alike). Also, the lights were incredibly dim and I don’t have the greatest eyesight, so from the jump I was at a disadvantage.
So instead, I re-focus my energy on this “tenjune” place. The pretentiousness of that whole district is enough to make you want to vomit. Unless of course you’re a hot girl (in which case, you could just puke in the restrooms of these fine establishments to keep up that Meatpacking physique).
Where to start? How about with this insane dress code that exists? I went with two people who were dressed better than I was, one of whom couldn’t stop telling me how under-dressed and out of place I’d look. He wasn’t being obnoxious, simply stating a fact (which on any normal, non-Match.com event night would’ve been true).
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a particularly sharp dresser all the time… But that night I was wearing corduroys, a button down and dress shoes. It wasn’t like I was wearing an enormous jersey and baseball hat… I’m not bitter.
How about the bouncers at these places? First are the ones who won’t let guys come in unless they have women with them. I honestly don’t have the energy or time or space (and this is practically unlimited, so let that sit) to fully describe how much I fucking hate those guys/that attitude.
Second are the bouncers inside. There was a guy at this Match.com event that was camped out by the area where the bar wrapped around. Any time anyone got close, he’d say something unnecessarily tough like “Over there, my man.” This guy (and others like him) need to get punched in the face. Repeatedly. Is there a less aggressive, less threatening group of folks than the people that attend these events? Is it such a crime to let me stand there while I wait my turn (read that again: while I wait my fucking turn!) for a drink?
Finally, I can’t stand the music (or the lines, or the drink prices, or the drugged out clientele, or the…). What happened to playing music we can all relate to? You’re telling me that place wouldn’t jump if “Juicy” came on or “Sunday Bloody Sunday”? Play the oldies for my/our generation… please. Or at the very least, mix them in.
I apologize if this comes off too much like a rant, but that area of the city is so unbelievably pretentious that I can’t get over it. And yet despite being a reasonably intelligent guy, I can never get over that fact no matter how many times I go.
Maybe I’m the moron.
As featured on EliteDaily.com
I’ve been on a number of first dates in my life. Second dates, third dates, bad dates, good dates, meet-up-at-the-bar-and-buy-one-drink-before-we-have-sex-so-you-don’t-feel-cheap dates. I’ve pretty much run the gamut in my 25-years and counting, and I have to say, that’s pretty impressive considering I started dating fairly late into what would be considered my sexual prime (which, for those counting, has already ended if my current success rate is any indicator).
With all my experience considered, I’m pretty confident with regards to knowing how to act if you’re looking to impress a woman. Honest admission time: I am a single man, no girlfriend to my name or Facebook account. I can hear you, reader, wondering how it is I can claim to be so all-knowing, yet not have any actual current success to prove it.
Well, to you I say, just because you know how to do something doesn’t mean you can actually do it. I know how to dunk a basketball (I believe it involves some combination of jumping, palming a basketball, and ramming it through the hoop with loud grunting noises optional), but I can’t actually touch the backboard.
However, it isn’t much fun to talk about impressing a woman on a first date, now is it? No, I prefer the rarer topic of alienation. If your mission was to completely and totally alienate a woman that put her trust and faith in you on a first date (trust that you won’t kill her, faith that she’ll have a decent time with you), how would you go about it?
Of course, there’s the obvious tactics. Eat with your mouth open, talk constantly, watch SportsCenter the entire time. Those choices are so simple they don’t even deserve to be expounded upon.
No, I wanted to go a little deeper. I thought about writing this as a numerical list of the best ways to achieve full alienation but ultimately scrapped that idea after realizing that none of these are really better than any other. They’re all good. Which is to say, they’re all bad.
Go Out Late For Several Nights In A Row Before The Night Of Your Date
I actually did this recently, but not on purpose. Wednesday and Thursday nights of the week I had a Friday night date I went out until around 2 or 3 a.m., only to have to get up for work by 7 a.m. By the time Friday night rolled around, I was beyond exhausted but the prospect of eventual intercourse excited me enough to at least pay for a few rounds of drinks with a girl I had (at best) limited interest in from Match.com
Beyond the facts that I wasn’t attracted to her physically (the photos, frankly, could very well have been of someone else, but that’s for another article) and the conversation was numbingly mechanical, I was exhausted by 10:30 or so for obvious reasons.
No matter who was talking, I couldn’t stop yawning. I’d given up apologizing and explaining each one, despite internally trying to stave off the inevitable. Eventually, I couldn’t fight it any longer.
I wouldn’t say I fell asleep, per se. It was more like one of those long blinks, the ones where your chin hits your chest and breaks your stupor long enough to realize: Hey, I don’t recall anything that just happened, I must have been asleep.
Nothing more flattering to a woman than falling asleep during one of her stories. Trust me.
The Reverse Bill
When the time comes for your check, be a gentleman. Take it before she can even sneak a peak, push it back towards your date once you’ve satisfied your curiosities, and confidently say “Don’t worry, I’ll get the next one.” Girls love confidence, so I’ve heard.
That’ll make her think twice about that nauseating “Oh come on, let me leave a little bit” line. Then again, nothing’s worse than the staged hand-in-pocket/purse move that might as well be one of those fake cabinets in your kitchen that never opens.
Ask Her Out To Dinner
But don’t meet her out until you’ve already had a satiating meal of your own. Without her.
Upon arrival at the pre-determined bar or restaurant, simply explain that you forgot you were meeting for dinner (Note: For this method to work best, it’s preferred that you set up the dinner date within 24-48 hours of the actual meeting). Continue to explain, without expressing even the slightest hint of remorse, that you should still proceed as planned and that she should definitely still have dinner. No, you aren’t hungry at all any longer, but you wouldn’t want to stop her from eating.
Order For Her
If that last one isn’t your speed (if this article was a college course, that last one would be for advanced students only), try actually taking her to dinner but don’t allow her to order for herself. There’s nothing a woman in this century loves more than being told what to do and what to eat by a man she just met.
You can go one of two ways, depending on how big of a dick you feel like being. After you’re done placing your order, pause for a second as if you’re actually going to let her order for herself like the adult she is. Then, a word (or even a syllable) into her order, cut her off and ask for either an enormous, fatty meal or its polar opposite. Either go with the steak and loaded baked potato or a side version of the house salad with dressing on the side. Personally, I think the latter choice is the best one, so far as alienation goes but as our friends from Legends of the Hidden Temple said, “the choice is yours, and yours alone.”
Allow For Flexibility When It Comes to Scheduling
Work to find a time for a first date when you have friends from out of town coming in and staying with you. Instead of being a bad friend, bring one of your old pals on the first date with you. Bonus points if that friend is a girl, even better if that girl is hotter than the one you’re on the date with, and best if that girl is your actual current girlfriend (Note: In the history of civilization, the last version of this move has never been successfully pulled off and not for lack of effort of the male species.)
Being comfortable on a date is of the utmost importance. I don’t care if you went to private school since you were a zygote, there’s no way you feel better in a pair of khakis or pressed jeans and button down than you do in a baggy, worn t-shirt and sweatpants.
If she can get away with a soft, flowing dress and yoga pants, why can’t you be comfortable and thus cagey of your less-than-desirable physical attributes.
So, that’s my list. Of course, there’s more obvious ones like the timeless “flirting with the waitress (or, any woman you’re not on the date with)” move, showing up incredibly late, saying awkward things (When did you first get your period? My sister got hers at 11, was that normal?) or talking exclusively about other dates you’ve gone on recently and women you can’t wait to see again.
None of those are bad and trust me, they’ll all work wonders, but is it fun to do what everyone else has done? I say, if you’re going for alienation, go for originality as well.