Chronicles of the Single Man, Episode 17: The Sexual Power Rankings

What follows is the product of intense years of study, effort and research conducted by yours truly. I’ve been out there, in the battlefields and trenches, with women who have made the mistake of allowing me into their lives. More times than I’m sure they’re willing to admit we’ve done some sleeping together, these womenfolk and myself. All times (but one) I’ve been almost assuredly the more surprised party that it was occurring.

While I won’t claim to have any sort of wealth of knowledge on the subject, I think we can all agree that not all sex is created equal. And I don’t simply mean positions or people involved. I’m talking the types of sex that you can have. It’s not all the same, and so, with the help of some gChat conversations I’ve had and my own highly involved ranking system, I think I’ve developed the proper sexual power rankings.

Without further ado, in reverse order…

7. Break-up

This is awful sex. It’s just terrible. There’s some passion, some heat in the beginning–that’s great, sure. But that quickly fades and in its place are just two sweaty people who probably don’t really like each other as much as they did 24 hours ago, but desperately need genital friction. So, they have sex. They make that last ditch effort and I’m pretty sure it ends up the same way every time: sad.

6. Nothing

That’s how much I fucking hate break-up sex. I’d literally rather not have sex than have break-up sex. You know how bad that has to make break-up sex? Think about that for a second. The thing that we spend most of our lives working for in some regard (school as a means to getting a job as a means to getting money as means to providing as a means to having as a means to impressing as a means to… you guessed it… SEX) has a variety that is so bad, doing nothing actually beats it out.

5. Masturbating

Hey, it counts. And while it’s a solitary activity and maybe not quite the real thing, let’s think about some of the advantages… For the guy: you get to choose the stimulus, you don’t have to leave the room you’re in (Unless you’re at work. Then I’d suggest getting up), you don’t have to get dressed up and fake conversation with someone you only are with because you want to have sex with and it doesn’t cost anything (unless you’re an imbecile and pay for adult videos on the world wide web like a rookie). It should be clarified, one woman I spoke to about this had masturbating in her top 3. Her reasoning? “Who has time to wait for a guy to try and get me off when I can just do it myself in a quarter of the time?” Well said, honestly. Maybe I went too low here…

4. Make-up

I’ve never explicitly had “make-up sex”. In my life, when there’s a break-up, it’s typically been of the permanent variety. Women don’t tend to want to get a second go-round with me, not that I blame them. I get it–you eat a mealy apple from the supermarket, you’re probably gonna stick with the farmer’s market for a while. Point is, I’m including both relationship make-up and fight make-up in this category. Basically, any time you make-up with that person you’re having sex with. First off, it’s got the element of unexpected, and that’s always nice. Second, it’s typically a little more passionate, even–if you’re lucky–a little angry (in a healthy way… relax, y’all). I know two folks that like this better than break-up sex.

3. Routine

This probably isn’t the best word to describe what I’m talking about here. To be clear, when I say “routine”, I’m not talking about regular, boring. I’m talking about when you’re getting it routinely–as in, when you have a boy/girlfriend, or just regular ole fuck pal. Now even with that definition, some of you may scoff at this one, but think about it for a second. Sex can be a lot like basketball. Sure, it’s fun to play pick-up with some randoms down at the park, but it’s always more fun to go out there with a team you have played with for years. You know where the others will be and everyone knows their role. It’s more fun because past experiences allow it to work smoother. When you start having regular sex with the same person, it’s a lot like that–minus the blacktop and sneakers. You know what the other person likes–weird, kinky shit and all–and they know the same for you. It may not have the wild, tear-your-fucking-clothes-off passion that some of our other entries have, but it’s got the highest return on investment rate of any on the list. That’s got to count for something.

2. Somewhere You Shouldn’t

This one’s pretty straight-forward, no? It’s about the thrill, the allure of the forbidden. Whether it’s a car or beach or public bathroom or roommate’s bed or whatever, point is, it’s not where you normally would and there’s a chance you could get caught. Now, me personally? I’m too neurotic to every truly enjoy this one, which is probably why I’ve never done it anywhere too crazy. These rankings, as I’ve said, are a combination of a bunch of other people’s, along with my own, so I put it up here. Don’t get me wrong, I get what the fuss is all about, just wouldn’t be my personal number two.

1. Long Time Apart

This was, far and away, the winner. And why the hell not? It’s got the passion and build-up and unexpectedness of make-up sex, without all the unhealthy shit that comes with the reason you’re having make-up sex in the first place. It’s got the potential for being somewhere you shouldn’t without the necessity of that to make it work. It’s got the incredible upside of routine sex–if it’s someone that you are pining that badly to see after a certain amount of time, chances are you’re already pretty familiar with their private parts. Honestly, it’s got no downside while it’s going on… aside from the fact that if you’ve waited this long for it, you’ll probably have to wait a decent stretch for it again. But, that’s what makes it so great.
I’m sure I’ve missed some, and more certain I’ve mis-categorized the ones I’d list. Go ahead, let me know.

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