Chronicles of the Single Man, Episode 17: The Sexual Power Rankings

What follows is the product of intense years of study, effort and research conducted by yours truly. I’ve been out there, in the battlefields and trenches, with women who have made the mistake of allowing me into their lives. More times than I’m sure they’re willing to admit we’ve done some sleeping together, these womenfolk and myself. All times (but one) I’ve been almost assuredly the more surprised party that it was occurring.

While I won’t claim to have any sort of wealth of knowledge on the subject, I think we can all agree that not all sex is created equal. And I don’t simply mean positions or people involved. I’m talking the types of sex that you can have. It’s not all the same, and so, with the help of some gChat conversations I’ve had and my own highly involved ranking system, I think I’ve developed the proper sexual power rankings.

Without further ado, in reverse order…

7. Break-up

This is awful sex. It’s just terrible. There’s some passion, some heat in the beginning–that’s great, sure. But that quickly fades and in its place are just two sweaty people who probably don’t really like each other as much as they did 24 hours ago, but desperately need genital friction. So, they have sex. They make that last ditch effort and I’m pretty sure it ends up the same way every time: sad.

6. Nothing

That’s how much I fucking hate break-up sex. I’d literally rather not have sex than have break-up sex. You know how bad that has to make break-up sex? Think about that for a second. The thing that we spend most of our lives working for in some regard (school as a means to getting a job as a means to getting money as means to providing as a means to having as a means to impressing as a means to… you guessed it… SEX) has a variety that is so bad, doing nothing actually beats it out.

#163 – Finding That Warm Spot On The Bed

No, you didn’t piss yourself, you little jerk.

I’m talking about when you’re about to go to bed in the winter. The bed, unless I’m missing something, is typically chilly. The sheets untouched since you woke up this morning, cooled from inactivity. The expression, cool as the other side of the pillow, comes to mind.

Point is, it’s not exactly the warm welcome (double meaning, bitches!) you’d prefer your bed to be offering up after a long day of work (or, lazy lounging… no judgement).

So, without options* you hop in and hope for the best. At first, it’s not so great. You know it’s going to take a few minutes, you know you really can’t be moving around too much. But, out of nowhere, you notice… hey, it’s pretty warm in this exact location I’m laying in. Of course, you know that any slight movement takes you out of the comfort zone, literally, but that little area you’ve carved out for yourself is pretty snug, quite delightful.

This feeling is about finding that spot and closing your eyes.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: I personally prefer sleeping in the cold to the hot. In the cold, at least you can bundle up. Heat, you can’t remove much more than whatever you’re wearing. And naked sleeping, while it has its pros, can really be a mess if it’s hot enough. So, this opposite is being unable to find that cold spot when it’s hot as hell.

*Unless you have one of those electric blankets. I’m not sure how I feel about those things. Frankly, they’re often too hot for my liking, and there’s a neurotic part of me that always thinks it’s a bit silly to sleep in something that’s plugged into the wall.


#199 – Sleeping in on a Weekday

Most of you peasants live the normal life, working your 9 to… what… 6’s, 7’s? Sure, you get to live a normal social life, communicate with your friends, do happy hours, have dinners, make plans with people without fear of having to work that night, go to events and games and concerts… But, you don’t get to sleep in on a weekday.

At least, not unless it’s a holiday or snow day.

At least two or three times a week, however, I’m granted this feeling and I must say, it’s a good one. Now, admittedly, this is coming from someone with the sleeping patterns of a 85-year old grandmother. For whatever reason, I’ve lost the ability to sleep past 9:30 AM outside of the rare occurrence (Example: last Saturday I went to sleep after 4 AM and woke up at around 9:15. Can’t explain it.)

However, it’s not the length of the sleep, it’s the ability to not have to worry about when you have to wake up that is the true root of this feeling. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that, typically, on these days you also don’t have to do much once you do wake up.

I definitely believe in the power of a non-interrupted wake-up. I may wake up at the same time (give or take) that I would’ve set my alarm for, but the feeling of waking up of my own volition is unbeatable.

Polar Opposite of this Feeling?: Accidentally setting your alarm for that obnoxious buzzer, when you wanted Radio or CD or iPod.