Michelle Obama vs. Alice Eve

Ga-ross.

Needs a prayer, in this fight.

No, you didn’t miss out on a feud. There’s no real beef here. In fact, I’d be willing to wager that they’ve likely never met and, even likelier, Mrs. Obama has never even heard of Alice Eve (are we really to believe she had time for Sex And The City 2?)

These are two separate women and in normal circles, their paths would never intersect. Except, I don’t always run around in those circles.

Let me explain, if I may, how this whole thing came to be.

As a man (and a single one at that), I often engage in that rudimentary of caveman activities: rating women and casually discussing which I would or wouldn’t have sex with. Add to this the even heavier ignorance that the topic at hand was celebrities (read: women I’d probably still only have about a 10 percent chance with even if they worked at Burger King).

I had seen her on YouTube earlier in the day, so to the conversation, I brought up one Alice Eve. Alice of Sex And The City 2, Alice of She’s Out of Your League, Alice of that movie with Ray Liotta where she may or may not be nude (even I can’t hyperlink you there, friends). As I’m sure a friend of Will Madison’s would have said, “That Alice Eve is one piece of ace.”

My argument (if you can call it that) centered on the idea that she’s one of the hottest women on planet Earth and she would almost certainly top my list. A friend of mine, who happens to be black, was in this conversation and, unprovoked, made the (fucking insane) assertion that he’d rather have sex with Michelle Obama.

And so, here we are.

I thought about this for a few days and ultimately it dawned on me that beyond the fact that my friend is almost certainly a certifiable lunatic, there’s got to be something racial at work here. Right?

Actually, let’s back up once more.

I should clarify that I don’t mean to demean either of these two women. I don’t know either of them and almost assuredly never will, but I’m sure they’re great folk. This discussion started between two juvenile men posing as adults and is to be taken about as seriously as a Publisher’s Clearing House letter in the mail.

To make clear: the question wasn’t “Which lady would make the best domestic partner?” or “Which woman would be a great gal to have as a pal?” No, it was as vulgar and simplistic as it seems.

And in that vein, I don’t think Mrs. Obama honestly has a leg to stand on. Alice Eve is a smoke show and that much can’t be debated. Michelle Obama is a very pretty woman, but her main charm in the physical realm is elegance. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s a distinction to be made. I don’t think I’ve ever had a friend tell me the girl he just hooked up with was “crazy elegant”.

I gave this friend another day to think on it and outside of a few scenarios, he remained steadfast on his point: he’d choose Michelle over Alice.

Once I was satisfied that he wasn’t kidding around, I was left with the following possibilities as explanation:

  1. Maybe he hates English women?
  2. Maybe he hated Lewis Carroll?
  3. Maybe he has a thing against thin, busty, long-haired blondes?
  4. Maybe he never trusted a woman (or man) with two first names?

Honestly, only number four made any real sense.  Think about it… Mark David Chatman, Lee Harvey Oswalt, James Earl Ray? Coincidence? I think not.

But maybe it was a race thing… Don’t get me wrong, I’m not writing a manifesto that we should only stay within our race**. Marry a man, a woman, marry a farm animal for all I give a shit.

I’m not mentioning a race angle like it’s a bad thing… merely just as a thing. An observation, I believe they call it.

So, to find out, I dug deeper. I went through the above toss up with a number of men and women I know and not one of the white people surveyed chose Michelle Obama.

My thoughts on this went as follows: First, my friend is a lunatic. Second, maybe he’s still a lunatic, but it’s just a black/white thing I’ll never get (no matter how many hours of NBA and rap I consume).

Then, I asked another black friend of mine, and his exact response was as follows:

Alice Eve ALL DAY and TWICE on Sunday

This was when I came to my third, and final resting point on the discussion: My friend is, in fact, a raging psychopath whose opinion can’t be trusted (unless, of course, if it has anything to do with Major League Baseball or its affiliates).

So maybe it’s not a black/white thing. Maybe it’s just a crazy/sane thing.

*Why is it, by the way, that when in public white people always seem to whisper the world black when using it as a modifier for guy/man/girl/gal? Are black people whispering “white guy” when the situation is reversed? I doubt it.

** Side note: Please explain this – If I, as a white man, say that I prefer to date white women, or that I find them more attractive, that could rub people the wrong way. You’re almost certain to get a tired, “That’s racist” crack from a friend. If a black man doesn’t verbally express the same point but only dates black women, it isn’t considered the same thing. Is it a simple matter of voicing the opinion which makes it “wrong”? I’d argue that neither side is wrong, that they’re in fact the same.

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