Recently, I was on twitter and I saw something that caught my eye. Somehow I landed on LeBron James’ page* and came across the following diddy:
— LeBron James (@KingJames) August 26, 2012
Besides from the obvious (that LeBron James is clearly unaware of how to properly answer a question tweeted at him), I couldn’t help but think about what this movie would be like if it was made over again, for this upcoming season. The only thing I think I wouldn’t touch would be the soundtrack. There were some classic bangers on that cd and even though a lot of it hasn’t stood the exact test of time, it’s still worth putting out there again.
The first hurdle to clear is obviously, who replaces MJ? Kevin Durant, LeBron or Kobe? While it pains me to say it, I think LeBron has to be the guy that gets the nod. He may not be the next Michael Jordan, but he’s the closest thing we have going. Is he a pompous doosh? Sure, sometimes (although I’d argue he’s the same phony personality he’s probably always been, the Decision notwithstanding, which is to say he’s like just about every other spoiled athlete).
Kobe could’ve been the guy… maybe 4 years ago. I like Durant as the new lead, but I’m just not sure he’s good enough to beat the Monstars. Has he gotten better, stronger every season? Yes. But, has he ever had to go up against this guy? I don’t think so.
The rest of the cast needs a similar makeover. Read on.
The Blue Guy – Shawn Bradley: Roy Hibbert. See, nowadays it would be a little harder to cast the role of enormous, goofy white dude that isn’t good but also isn’t so bad he shouldn’t be in the league at all. Most shotblockers today are athletic freaks that can run the floor. Anyone that’s ever seen Shawn Bradley do anything knows that he was a part of that dying breed: centers. Only a few roam the earth nowadays and Roy Hibbert is just tall enough, just goofy enough, just a good enough actor (he was on Parks and Rec, so I’m told) and just a good enough basketball player** to take the big Morman’s spot. RUNNER UP: Hasheem Thabeet.
The Orange Guy – Charles Barkley: Blake Griffin. I was trying to think of a good reason as to why I picked Blake, but stopped after typing “Both guys are a little undersized”. I suppose there’s a pretty good shot each will end up with the same amount of rings (close your eyes) so there’s that too. But other than that, their games don’t really compare exactly and Blake’s too clean cut (he could never do this line as well as Chuck did). So, why Blake? Because Bonzi Wells isn’t an active member of the Association any longer. RUNNER UP: Kevin Garnett
The Green Guy – Patrick Ewing: Dwight Howard. I wanted to say Tim Duncan, just to be a homer but the truth is this guy has to be a dominant big guy. A center that can score and play defense, and sadly the only one that comes to mind in today’s NBA is D12. Frankly, if I was advising the Monstars, I’d tell them to ease up on going so big heavy. Would an extra (or any) SG have killed them? Did they really need Ewing and Bradley and Barkley? RUNNER UP: Andrew Bynum, but only on account of lack of choices.
The Purple Guy – Larry Johnson: Paul Pierce. You see, Grandmama had the size on Truth, but that’s about it. Both play the 2, 3 the Monstars desperately need and both can fill it up. Both also have a little bit of that old-man game in them, so it works. RUNNER UPS: Joe Johnson or Rudy Gay (too bland) and Carmelo Anthony (honestly, might be a better choice than Pierce but you want LeBron to win, right? We have to weigh this team down a little bit).
The Red Guy – Muggsy Bogues: Chris Paul. I think the easy choice is to find the smallest player in the league and go with him to fill Mugsy’s spot. You could have gone Earl Boykins or Nate Robinson or Isaiah Thomas, but I feel like Paul fits best. First off, he’s still pretty short for an NBA player (listed at 6 feet even, you know he can’t be more than 5’11”). Second and most importantly, he’s the best point guard in the NBA and I’m not sure it’s close so who else fits here? RUNNER UPS: Ricky Rubio (because he’s just squirrelly enough and who wouldn’t love seeing a monster version of him throwing incredible alley-oops? Oh, wait.) and Baron Davis (because at this point he’s more of an actor than player).
Outside of the main guys, I think we need to replace Newman as Stan Podolak with Seth Rogen. They both were once fat/now skinny actors who also used to be amusing. Has to be Seth as Bron Bron’s assistant. Also, playing the roll of Bill Murray (fulfilling the requisite “white people can’t actually be expected to play basketball, can they?” jokes) could either be Will Ferrell or Robin Williams. Besides the fact that Ferrell’s already done a basketball movie already, I’m more inclined to let Robin Williams have (read: steal) a few scenes with monsters and cartoons as costars. Could be the most entertaining part of the film watching Williams and LeBron interact while playing golf…
I always hated when any blog posts or websites said obvious things like, “Leave your thoughts in the comments” because normally I don’t care what you think, but in this instance, I do. So, if you care enough to click a few times and type for a bit, please do.
*Does he think he’s being cute or funny with ST.V-M Class of 03 as his description? Or with all those fan pictures? Dude, your fucking twitter handle is KING JAMES. KING. Let’s take it down a notch with all this other ‘man of the people’ nonsense. You’re either the king, or you’re not. Don’t try to be both.
**Honestly, career stats up until this point in Bradley’s career (thru ’96) and Hibbert’s career aren’t too far off. Might even give the edge to Bradley.