Five Thoughts Longer Than 140 Characters

The following are scattered thoughts too long for twitter and too long for their own post.  They are presented in no particular order of importance or design.

1. Sometimes I’m convinced I could be a big-time movie writer.  Premium Rush, with budding über-star Joseph Gordon-Levitt, came out 2 weeks ago and I was convinced when I saw the trailer that it had to be a joke. Forget what it’s called or who it stars, if I told you I had an idea for a film where someone needs to deliver a package of the utmost importance while being chased by cops and bad guys and all sorts of folk and he’s going to be doing it all on a bike, you’d laugh in my face.  How is this movie any more than, at the most, 10 minutes long? Are the people chasing him also on bikes? Is this some futuristic world where no one is allowed to drive cars or use any machine with an engine?  Honestly, it would be like if they made a movie where Jason Statham starred as a mounted police officer that apprehends criminals and somehow he manages to do an amazing job, despite the fact that most criminals in 2012 aren’t committing their crimes on horses.  You could call it Equine Justice, or Extra Premium Rush.

2. A couple of days ago I watched Batman Forever and Batman and Robin and still, several days later, I can’t decide which of them was worse. I had so many questions. I do remember enjoying those movies when I was younger, but was that just because I was a kid and didn’t know any better? Were those movies intentionally awful? How did we get from the first two good Batman movies to these two? Did people back then think they were as campy and ridiculous as they appear now? How did Tommy Lee Jones, George Clooney, Nicole Kidman and Uma Thurman EVER agree to put their names to these movies? Was the Bane character made of the same material as those weird inflatable NBA mascots? How many other actors were sick the day that Val Kilmer tried out for the role of Batman? How had I never heard of this movie and why wasn’t it made? Also, Batwoman? Batgirl? Alicia Silverstone?

3. I wish there was one day a year where you couldn’t exaggerate. Everything you said had to be true and accurate. I bring this up because I recently found out that Jersey Shore, a show I used to watch (scout’s honor… watched it like a fiend those first few seasons, haven’t tuned in since), is closing up shop after this upcoming season.  The men in the house would sleep with all sorts of gals and if one of them wasn’t particularly attractive, there would be a whole slew of things said about her… like say, calling her a cow. But how funny would it be if The Situation actually did sleep with a cow. The next morning she leaves the shore house in his studded, designer sweatpants and as she does so the whole house wakes up because, after all, she is a cow and the bell around her neck is a nuisance.  Then, the next night when the gang is back at Karma again, the cow is there with her friends (who, by the way, are humans).  There’s those solo shots of Mike and of the cow awkwardly avoiding each other, drinking and dancing alone.  Ultimately, Mike gets drunk and winds up doing body shots off the cow’s udders and the two sloppily go home together once again.

4. I’m reading 50 Shades of Grey right now and I’m not sure what’s worse… The fact that I want to finish it and see what happens or the writing and grammar contained within.  Maybe I’m just a little jealous because I’ll never sell a zillionth of the copies that this woman has, but I have to believe it’s more than just that.  This book is, frankly, poorly written and the whole scandalous, sexy nature of it is lost on me.  Why? Because I have the internet at my house and there’s some photos of naked women on there.  Videos too, I’ve heard.

5. I’m really happy Roger Clemens is trying to make a comeback at this point in his life.  Nothing says legitimate like a 50-year old, past-his-prime guy trying to pitch for the worst team in the league at a level he clearly isn’t ready for. I’m sure this has nothing to do with pushing Hall of Fame clocks back or selling tickets.  Here’s what likely will happen: Clemens will do fine in his last Atlantic League start this Friday, the Astros will sign him to a contract, he’ll come in and pitch one or two meaningless regular season home games, do alright, and leave to a standing ovation.  Here’s what should happen (aside from the Astros saying, “Hey wait a minute… We’re the worst team in the league by far, in the midst of a youth and league movement, and trying to get out of a nearly decade long doldrums, we shouldn’t be helping a 50-year old, out-of-his-league former flamethrower make a mockery of this system and game): he’ll get signed by the Astros and then get the absolute shit beaten out of him by actual major league players because 85 mph fastballs and hanging curveballs don’t tend to work the same against major leaguers as they do against Bridgeport Bluefish. Houston area fans shouldn’t be supporting this. It’s a farce and should be treated as such by fans that deserve better.