Category: Top 250 Feelings

The ranking I’ve assigned might seem pretty high (or, low, if you’re going to be one of those pains in the asses), but consider how many other feelings didn’t even make the list. Exactly.

Anyway, I don’t know what it is about a fresh, full tube of toothpaste. Maybe it’s knowing that the only the slightest of thumb movements will overflow your brush. Perhaps it’s the promise of a “new” flavor (unless you’re a psychotic that buys the exact same kind of toothpaste every single time). More likely than anything else, it’s probably the knowing that you won’t have to purchase toothpaste again for approximately 6 to 7 years.

Also, one incredibly underrated benefit of the fresh tube is that it has yet to be hardened by time. Its form is still factory-fresh and it hasn’t gone through the rigors of having some extra toothpaste crust over the opening (Yes, sometimes I forget to screw the cap back on. I’m that guy)

Polar opposite of this feeling?:  That moment when you realize that there isn’t one single drop left of toothpaste left in that very same tube and it’s time to say good-bye.

This feeling almost exclusively comes coupled with some level of drunkenness. Not always, of course, but it’s a dish best served a little buzzed.

I don’t know about you, but when I go out the music at a bar tends to fall into one of three categories: Great, Awful or N/A. Typically, I find myself in the N/A camp. It’s all that generic EDM-sounding music that has reached its tentacles into basically every genre and has rendered nearly every artist and song inseparable. In other news, everything that has come out in the last ten years sucks and everything from my youth is far superior.

Seriously though, for the life of me, I can’t figure why more bars don’t play old-school hip-hop and pop music. By old-school, of course, I’m referring to anything produced between 1992 and 2001.  Think about the last time “Juicy” by Notorious B.I.G. or “Spiderwebs” by No Doubt or “Too Close” by Next came on at a bar you were at… People went crazy right?

You could almost hear everyone saying, on cue and key, “I haven’t heard this song in…” And that’s the feeling we’re talking about. That feeling of, “Holy shit, I love this song, I need to play it more frequently when I am not drunk or at this bar or both (even though I know I’m just drunk, or kinda drunk, and won’t remember to do this).”

Polar opposite of this feeling?: When you keep asking a DJ to play a song, he/she says it’s “up next” and it never comes. (Bonus Polar Opposite of this feeling: Murdering that DJ)

 

I’ll admit, I didn’t think of this one myself (hat tip, here) but when I heard it, I remembered. I haven’t felt this one in a while (as I haven’t done much in the way of arts and crafts past age 8), but that doesn’t lessen the impact.

Of course, this isn’t an independent feeling. As everyone knows, you can be as dedicated as you want to cutting a piece of (anything, really), but if you have one of those piece-of-shit scissors, you’re going no where fast. And god forbid you’re a lefty, you’re just shit out of luck.

Speaking of scissors, this may just be a wild overreaction, but is it just my imagination or are scissors the one area that hasn’t received proper school funding since the first ones were allowed into schools in the 1950s? A school will get a new budget approved, brand new auditoriums and stadiums and class room wings and façade facelifts, all fine. But take a peak into that arts class room… the same busted scissors remain. It’s unfair.

Alas, I digress. The point is, there’s something comforting about the sound that a (quality) pair of scissors makes when going through a fresh piece of construction paper. It’s not quite a rip, not quite a tear, somewhere happily in the middle.

Polar Opposite Feeling: Not sure on this one. Getting a paper cut really sucks. Maybe being a lefty in a classroom filled with righty-only scissors?

Of course, the twist of a bottle cap works as well, but I didn’t feel the need to include both in the title.

Now, to be clear, I’m not just talking about that sound/feeling in general. We’re talking specifically about that first beer when you’ve had a long day and crack one open on the couch. Or, that first (or fifteenth) on a sunny day when you and the people you used to be close friends with (before weddings and kids and girlfriends and boyfriends got in the way) gather for a barbecue or any other type of event people have to convince themselves they’re “making the effort”.

(Rant, over)

That sound means so much… Your day is either over (great, relaxing news) or just getting started (fun, exciting news)… You are either on your way to blacking or chilling out…

Another beauty of this feeling? It doesn’t cost much. Let’s be honest, a PBR makes the same sound when it cracks open as a Busch heavy as a Stella Artois as a Sam Adams. No judging here, just crack open a can and remember, drive sober, or get pulled over. Or, no… I meant, don’t text and drive… it can wait! No, I meant… ah, the hell with it.

Polar opposite of this feeling?: The smell of your apartment/house/domicile/shack the next morning when its littered with half-emptied cans.

Let me first say… Dr. Dre’s Beats headphones are overrated. That’s not to say they’re not good, they are. But, for what they cost, they’re way (way) overrated. You can get a pair of cans for much less and get the same, if not, more.

I myself am a Bose man (over the ear, not around the ear, I’m not that cool) and I happen to listen to rap music. And hip-hop. And R&B (Insert echoing radio voice saying something like, KEEP IT LOCKED *metallic locking sound* RIGHT HERE ON HOT 98.1!)

Listen to this song, through the first minute and thirty seconds. After JT is done doing his thing and the beat drops in, how incredible is that bass? Think about listening to that bass on a CD-quality version of the song (as opposed to YouTube) and through great headphones (as opposed to your shitty work computer speakers).

That first thud, your head slightly rocked by the vibration, is feeling #56. Could you go slightly (or wholly) deaf at some point due to over-exposure to this feeling? Probably, but it might be worth it.

Polar opposite of this feeling: (Old school) Riding your bike (or car) around and in the middle of a great song, having your CD Player’s skip protection crap out.

I’ll fully admit, I don’t often wash my towels. I have two reasons for that. First is, I keep my towels in a steady rotation so I’m generally rotating through approximately 3 or 4 at any given time. Second, I look at it like, they’re only being used after I’m done cleaning myself. So, in theory (and in practice, I’d argue), the only come in to contact with my clean body and then air dry afterwards.

Either way, how nice is it to be on the beginning of that laundry cycle? Or, better yet, at someone’s place where the towel you’ve been given is not only so fresh and so clean, but also is warm and  thick…

The interesting thing about this feeling, far as I’m concerned, is that it’s incredibly fleeting. As soon as you start drying yourself off—frankly, as soon as you step out of the shower—it’s gone. You could argue it’s a more valuable feeling in the winter than in the summer, and I’d definitely hear that argument.

But, there are few things better than the scent/warmth/feeling/wrap of a nice, fresh towel out of the drier after a shower.

Or, bath if you’re that kind of weirdo.

Polar opposite feeling?: When your towel smells like mildew (aka college).

You’re rushing to get somewhere, but you don’t have a car, so you need to rely on the unreliable: public transportation. Whether it’s a bus or train or subway, the schedules are never to be trusted

True story: I once waited for a NJ Transit bus in Union, NJ that never showed up. They were supposed to come at the same time once an hour. I arrived about 10 minutes before the (let’s say) 6 PM version of that bus was supposed to show. An hour later, neither that bus nor the following hour’s bus came. No explanation, nothing. Besides, of course, about 15 (really) pissed off (and, now, late) people.

Anyone reading this that has spent a long night out in New York or Hoboken and lives in the other location knows that getting down the stairs just in time for a PATH train is one of the single greatest things on this Earth (Note: only reason it’s not lower on the list is because not everyone in the world lives in Hoboken or New York, no matter how much we want to convince ourselves that that’s the case).

But when it all works out, it’s a great feeling.  Closing the door on your car in the parking lot, swiping your MetroCard, entering the station… just as it’s ready to pull in.

Polar opposite feeling?: 45 seconds later

Every so often, when the planets and stars and heavens are in perfect alignment, a woman will allow you, against her better judgement and even better desires, inside of her. It’s a win for the heterosexual man unlike any other.

What I’m specifically talking about is that first inch, that first bit of penetration. That’s the feeling I’m talking about. And I’m not talking about your girlfriend on a Saturday night in year three of a relationship where she tolerates you coming inside of her after five minutes of heavy breathing, writhing and totally useless sweating (for her).

I’m talking about the first time in a long time. The first time since you don’t know how long it’s been. Maybe a whole year, maybe a whole month, perhaps even a full presidential term. Point is, it’s been a while.

After all the conniving stunts you’ve pulled and drinks you’ve paid for and stories you’ve listened to on a drunken night, there’s no better reward than that first inch making its way in.

For me, the final two inches and 95 seconds are just a let down. Maybe that’s just me though.

Polar opposite feeling?: Discovering the condom you just used was, in fact, ripped.

I won’t lie… This isn’t my idea. I’d like to say I was inspired to come up with it after chatting with a friend, but the real truth is that after chatting with said friend (and discovering his use of this idea) I simply asked if I could use it (read: steal it) for myself.

So, here we are.

There really isn’t much explanation needed, I suppose. The original list, started by the fellas over at the now-defunct Broston College (the content of the site isn’t nearly as off-putting as its title, trust me), was for 500 feelings. Though, by my quick count they didn’t get over 70 done. Classic over-reach, I say.

With their misstep as my guide, I knocked the list down in half, but kept the same principles. It’s not a list of things like “Getting Good News!” or “Laughing at a joke”. No, we’re talking very (in some cases, extremely) specific feelings that are some of the best around.

They’ll be listed from 250-1 here and I’ll be adding them to the list in random order.

And oh yeah, I should also mention that just because 73 is higher than 63, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s worse. This is just the top 250 feelings. The exact order they should go in, well, that’s up to you.

We get started on Friday.

Thanks to @Loopica.